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Mightier than the sword [entries|friends|calendar]
KDB McMahon

[ website | More poetry ]
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I live2love no longer [28 Jul 2002|10:22am]
so I've taken on thenextbesthing.

believe it

and you've got the sexy legs! [27 Jul 2002|11:12pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Tonight was among other things - absolutely spectacular. I must confess the day started off slowly and I had my doubts - oh me of little faith - I certainly proved myself wrong.
we went to haverhill, stayed a short while but The Young Idea was amazing. They are quickly becoming one of my favorite bands. crazy.
missy and I went on a date. and she is the best date I've had in a while. oh her.
I am talking to adam and loving it. what a guy.

Kristen: I hope your lunch date went well if you are reading this. If it didn't I want you to call me so you can vent and we will devise some kind of an evil plot. I miss you.
There is so much that I would love to do tonight. When the sun goes down I feel such a release. Like I should be dancing on abandoned stretches of highway watching headlights pass me by...and I could roll on the pavement just to have a place to call my own. that makes no sense at all does it? screw it. I wish kate had been there tonight.


believe it

keep talkin' stranger [27 Jul 2002|01:16pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

I start work next monday, I have a physical on friday.. and its smooth sailing from there. At least mom will be off my back about the job thing.

show tonight in haverhill I hope.

A few delightful tidbits for your enjoyment...

"I could lean in and kiss you, would that be alright?"


"Really. Hmm... you have no problem with, lets say, this?"


"You're saying that I could put my hand for example .... here... and that would be alright?"



Give me a call if you have my number - I feel like talking.

believe it

If I could grant you one wish.. [23 Jul 2002|01:00am]
[ mood | discontent ]

this day last year...

"I never realized how much I love to be outside at night underneath the stars. I am going to do it everynight whether or not I am alone. Such a perfect night.
Today- girls night out- well at least for missy katie and meghan. I hung out with them for about an hour and realized im horribely sensitive. Little things bother me way too much and for some reason that doesnt stop people from making comments. I wasn't up much for talking because the sound of my voice was driving me crazy. Thought a lot about how I really wished I was back in Conneticut in the water talking to my grandmother about tidal pools or equally insignificant things. I miss the days when nothing mattered. I feel so detached, like theres not a person within 100 miles who might understand a thing I'm saying. I wish erin wasnt in spain. I think I might sleep until Wednesday, just so I wont have to talk to my mom the day she comes home. The sad thing is, if she stayed in Chicago all year, or until I graduate from high school, I doubt I'd miss her. I just want to get rid of my 7 p.m. curfew. I wrote a lot today though, so it wasnt a total waste. -much love-"

just from that I can remember that day with perfect clarity. I remember it being disgustingly hot outside and coming home early and feeling so alone - and sitting at my type writer and doing nothing but writing for a few hours straight. I even remember which poems I wrote on that day. crazy. I dont remember what happened that particular night but I have a pretty decent idea. probably the same thing that happened most nights that summer.

yeah, so uh, I thought I would share my not-so-deep thoughts with LJ tonight because once again I can't sleep. I'm talking with my cousin Megan and thinking about how good it will be to see her and erin in a week or so. I haven't seen erin in over a year. I haven't seen megan since my great grandmothers funeral.
I wonder why it is we lose touch with some people? Why all of a sudden you could wake up to the phone ringing and upon answering it realize you have nothing to say to that person... even if you used to be so close. people change, and if someone misses even one step of that there may be no way to describe the experience of it. a wedge has been driven between you, an intangible object that will sit there and silently do its damage as you begin to talk less and less- whatever the reason. Just because people change doesnt always mean its for the better. Some people, you may find, after a while develop a stick up their ass and a crown on their head, and I dont need to tell you what an awful combination that is.
the thing is even when that happens you can't help but miss that person. or at least I can't. I have a very long list of people I miss that is divided into subsections:

people I miss that I shouldnt
people I miss that I have never really known
people I miss that have changed for the worse
people I miss that have changed for the better
people I miss solely because I havent seen them for a week

I wonder if people actually dream things for a reason or if they are just images conjured up by sleepy minds, completely void of logic. I'm considering buying one of those "Really Big Book of Answers" that they have in most book stores. things like "why is the sky blue" "why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near" ...

theres no business like show business... I'll see you on broadway.


3 believers| believe it

dance floor pro I know you know I go psycho... [22 Jul 2002|01:03am]
I am:

I want:
to sleep

I can't:
seem to go to sleep

I am online at 1 am looking at buddy icons and reading away messages, silently envious of everyone in the world that is asleep right now.

my day was uneventful. I could start work as soon as wednesday if all goes well. the night was a lot better. my friends are way better than your friends.

" baby you, you got what I neeeeeed, but you say I'm just a friend..."

anyone willing should come over my house and we'll drink hot chocolate and I will peer pressure you to rub my back because it hurts.

do it.

6 believers| believe it

Back in the summer of 69!! [20 Jul 2002|07:43pm]
I loved today. So much filth and getting lost, so much sand and sweat and bad food. Kate and I ripped up the shore while missy slept peacefully with sand in her ear. oh missy. we sang, we danced, and perhaps most importantly of all we laughed a LOT. man oh man I love those girls. and my family is full of darlings. I want each and every single one of you to meet my grandparents, they cannot be beat. <3
we got lost so much which would have been really stressful if I had been with anyone else but those two. I want to go surfing every single day for the rest of my life. the feeling cannot be topped. not ever. In a little bit we're going out again, kate is making me shower...
i dont know WHAT her deal is. whats a little filth between friends? and with that beautiful quote - I leave you.

2 believers| believe it

i am getting so hot [19 Jul 2002|11:53pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

tonight was a mix of things - good music, real men, and stupid people with high pitched screams.

my body hurts. I really don't feel like going to RI tomorrow.. uggghhhh

Cheers to the following:

jayme lemay who was unable to make an apperance tonight
paul degrandis who was also unable to come - even though he said he would
paul's brother for being who he is
kate for being the apple of my eye
missy for being such a babe
amanda for singing to me
pasta for tasting so good at any hour of the night
all the bands that played tonight
keara and kirsten for hosting the event
and a very important cheers for any man and all men out there who are okay with dancing in their boxers. thats a real man. seriously.

bottoms up.

<333 Kim

6 believers| believe it

I can honestly say that I'd rather be dreaming [17 Jul 2002|09:48am]
[ mood | content ]

Typically I don't dream as vividly as I did last night. Its a bitter-sweet thing, it makes waking up so much more difficult. Dreams can be such teases. Now for the rest of the day I'll be chasing things that I don't want or can't have.

or maybe not.

Last night was a lot of fun, minus Matt Dignan. I love the fact that Jim and Ian just jumped into the van no questions asked. The world needs more of that. The night was spent a lot like every night last summer was spent... walking to sky market, going to play on the swings, walking to chase's house. it brought back a lot of memories, I liked it.

The last line of my morning horoscope is :
"Don't be afraid to be the instigator of love"
... which ties very well into the dream last night. eh. we'll see.


believe it

"tomorrow-such an awful price to pay, I gave them yesterday but they still want more" [15 Jul 2002|05:47pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Last night I had a dream that brad pitt and I were in love.

What lame pick up line are you?

Now all I need is someone to use it on. any takers?

on a more serious note - I'd like to observe a moment of respect for a devoted wife and mother of one who passed away last night. She was a true pleasure to have known. Its easier to lose someone when you know that they can't feel any more pain. this is the third time this has happened this year. She was a good lady. a really good lady.

2 believers| believe it

Look for me... [14 Jul 2002|12:22am]
I'll be the girl with no hair. its about ::this:: long. a little longer than ryans.

Highlights of the night:

elizabeth and tim
kate at iparty
met ben
"who are you"
balloon balls

If you are the person who drove by me on mainstreet today with your head out the window yelling my name... I'd like to let you know that I'm half blind and didn't see who you were. so let me know.

annnnnnnnnnnnnnd I need a job. go!

believe it

"let me waste my time on you - cause its all I seem to wanna do" [11 Jul 2002|05:45pm]
I hate when you have lyrics stuck in your head and you aren't sure if they're originals or if you've just heard them before. I called to make a hair appointment today, but "Pam" was out so I have to call back again later.

And I would like to send this out to the one individual who has seriously been the only living person I have ever wanted to say I hate, to the deepest meaning that word can hold, and mean it...
To whom it may concern-
this is to thank you for being an absolute utter waste of flesh, blood, and a soul. Thank you for robbing one of life's most precious virtues from a person I hold closer to my heart than you could ever possibley fathom. Know that whenever your name comes up in conversation my blood runs thick and hot and I feel like I am going to scream and rip my hair out, or drag my nails along a chalkboard and relish in the sound that bursts your eardrum. Know that next year when you feel eyes burning in the back of your head it will be my eyes you are feeling. and know that I will be wishing every bad thing you have ever done will come back 3 fold to you. Know that I hope that you think of EVERYTHING you've done, EVERYDAY of your life - and everytime that you kiss your GIRLFRIEND, I want you to remember what you've done. Everytime that you look in a mirror, or see someone even slightly resembling her - I hope you fall on your knees because you can't stand the pain your pathetic sobs wield on you. In closing- know that you are the most pathetic, disgusting, revolting, piece of waste that has ever crossed my path. When you get kicked so hard in the balls in the hallways that you fall over in pain and don't see who's done it - it was me. I am confessing in advance. I'll see you around.

do not comment and ask me who thats directed to. I will ignore you.

1 believer| believe it

bugbites are the worst [09 Jul 2002|12:39am]
[ mood | cranky ]

I hate when I'm tired and can't seem to sleep. its right underneath bugbites on my list of shitty things. I keep on yawning and I know if I could just get the determination to sign offline and lay down in bed that I would fall asleep.. but that involves getting up and walking and I'm so comfortable right now.

tonight was cozy in a dull way. there was a lot of the usual activities... going to chases house, getting food, going to the playground, naked robbie, etc.

I have old chorus songs from 6th grade stuck in my head. its slowly driving me insane.
"seventy-six trombones led the big parade, with a hundered and ten cornets close at hand... "

Someday if I am ever reincarnated I have decided that I definitely want to come back as a hoola-dancing dashboard accessory in missy's car.

I miss my dad, I hope Wednesday comes quickly.


2 believers| believe it

I don't wanna be as stupid as I used to be [07 Jul 2002|01:37am]
Tonight was one of those nights - you know the kind. I saw jayme. I missed her so much. hot rod circuit and the get up kids blew my mind. There was some dancing, and now my feet are killing me. I fell asleep in the car on the way home and woke up to katie tucking me in - and I love her for it. I overcame my typical shy nature tonight, I'm kind of proud of myself. we met some really interesting people. We'll see what the next few days hold. Thank you to everyone out there that made my night what it was. and a special thanks to missy for driving.

4 believers| believe it

Brace yourself, I'm back with a fury you have never known [04 Jul 2002|12:51pm]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

I'm home at last, I feel like I've been gone forever. What was supposed to be a simple fun-loving-family vacation turned into a serious quest of self.
ah yes, the quest of self, a long and seemingly tragic one at that. What follows is a direct entry from my journal I only wrote in one day. But shit, its 10 pages long...

People often run to the road to discover why they are who they are at home. On the road you can be a completely different person, you have no name and you have the luxory of making up an identity. As we've moved all around NY I've been analyzing my sentence structure, body language and thought patters from the past hoping that when I added 2 and 2 together I would get a window through which I could see my true self. It didn't work. You are who you are when you aren't thinking about who you are.... bascially meaning that when you aren't thinking you have to rely on your first inital reaction- leaving you no time to fabricate a response. This instict is essentially who you really are. So where did all this analysis get me? 500 miles away from home surrounded by men who have more hair on their chests than they have skin on their bodies, a suitcase filled with postcards and photographs and a headache I've had for 2 days. So my second to last day I've decided to try something new. I'm relaxing. I keep myself in a state of waking sleep on the road because I don't need anyone to tell me if we're there yet. I've slept in a different city every night for four nights- and every time we stop, I feel like I've already been there.
But its working. I've realized I known little more about myself than I'm shrouded in doubt and insecurity.. like most teens. I know that I long for a religion I can throw myself into with a "reckless abandon" but I refuse to let myself or anyone else force me into one that has so much as one teaching I don't believe. That may make me foolish or closed minded but at least thats another thing I can add to the list of what I know about myself.
I also realized that I hurt the people I love for 2 reasons. the first is that I am awfully niave. I've had myself convinced for so long that the world was a puzzle I'd already figured out... and I was so wrong. The second is a theory, and quite possibley completely wrong.
The difference between knowing, understanding, and believing something is huge. (ex) I KNOW someone loves me or believes that they love me if they say " I love you" . I'm not at a stage in my life yet where I'm comfortable enough with myself to understand why someone would love me... so I attempt to compensate by jumping to the next step - believing. So I think to myself either conciously or subconciously (I've been wondering if there really is a difference...) " prove it." How do you prove anything? well 7th grade science class tells us that you use the scientific method. So in my true scientific spirit I go through all the steps.
Observation: Someone says they love me
Research: thinking back to all prior experiences where love was expressed or where love was believed to be present, how was it shown or not shown? And what makes the expression of those feelings "love" and not somehting else? (you may recognize this stage as the one where I watch a LOT of meg ryan movies)
Hypothesize: do they genuinely love me? (yes) or (no)

but all of this is just crap. during all the hours I spent alone I did a lot of thinking... and it just doesn't make sense. the aforementioned pattern is one I am currently trying to bust by incorporating the "understading" stage. But how does one go about learning how to love themselves? well luckily for me there seems to be a magnificient plethora of books published on the topic. most of them by opera.

Also I've realized that there are 2 different sides to me, I'm very Dr. Jekle and Mr. Hyde minus the drugs, insanity, and murder.
There is my sciencey side that wants the world to view me as competent, intellegent, responsible and capable. This is the side I think that gets me called "mom" very often. This is the driving force behind my passion for sciences and medicine both holistic and conventional...and all that jazz.
Then there is the artistic side that will someday run off with a starving artist because he'll be " the only one thats ever understood me ever" (I can hear myself saying it already)
behold the poet, the story teller, the passionate debator, the brooding teenager, the dreamer, the aspiring musician and actress, the volunteer... etc. The side that wants to learn how to read tarot cards and palms, enter poetry contests, and stargaze with anyone willing to spend a few hours out in the cold. the side that gets me called " slut " only half jokingly. This is the side that will stare at the ceiliing for hours trying to figure out solutions to problems that don't exist.
Combine these 2 sides and you get me, for better or worse. I'm not saying I have multiple personalities. This is more of cateloging the different characteristics and hopes I have. So I suppose this is step 1 of becoming comfortable with myself. In 2 short days I'll be home again and hopefully able to apply the information I've gathered. This year is going to be my quest for purity and truth. I want to be able to sit and view the world without judgement. One should never be their own biggest mystery and I don't want to spend my life as a stranger to myself. I don't want to make up excuses because I can't break patterns that are completely under my control. In the past 2 years I've blurred the line between strength and cruelty. Thats one thing I plan to rectify. In the meantime I plan to revive other's faith in myself by proving that I can be better than who I've been lately. I'd ask you to wish me luck but for the first time in my life I don't feel like I need it.

So the conclusion of this is that I am starting over. I feel rejuvinated, ready to take on the world - so bring on the dark skies baby. I can take it. I am armed with the secret of what my mom looks like wearing a bandana and her pj's dancing to low rider with a mop in one hand and a cigarette in the other. jealous?

1 believer| believe it

playa you know how I do [29 Jun 2002|11:59pm]
A boy singing passionately with his eyes closed strumming away at a guitar will always make me swoon. as I told paul raw passion for anything makes me swoon.

highlights of today:
breakfast with missy at bagel alley. <333 it was really greasy and gross, but shiiit, I liked it.
watching the devils advocate and realizing what a drawn out movie it is
being downtown with kate and rejoicing with fellow nashuans, little bit of dancing, little bit of shmoozing, little bit of kate being sexually harassed by a man who didn't think we'd understand spanish. boy did he underestimate my linguistic abilities.

I leave tomorrow at 8. and until we meet again. <33333

believe it

sometimes I swear to god I'm flying, and 2 seconds later I feel like I'm suffocating [29 Jun 2002|01:03am]
[ mood | exanimate ]

better call a medic. I bet I spelled that wrong. So tonight I have a lot to say but its all been said before and I find myself confiding in all the wrong people - but thats me. and I am not a good person. not tonight. and not for any night really in the past 7 months. I have patterns. I hurt people. I feel bad. I don't learn. I do it again. if I were you I'd spit in my face and kick me out the door. We'll see what happens I suppose. You know how I feel about the situation- I don't do shitty things on purpose. You also know that I never mean to hurt you. I hope.

tomorrow is my last day in nash for a while. I have mixed feelings about that, it will be interesting to see what things are like when I get home again. Traveling is a weird experience for me, I travel so that I can leave home and see other places, and I also travel so that I can come back home from other places and view it with a different perspective. That seems to be my craving. I'm never as alive as I am around water - I can't explain that. It just makes me feel, well, better I guess. I think better around water too.

It takes an awful person to hurt those that know them better than themselves.

Jay is a little bit insane... and thats okay. Insane works for him.

"when you love someone, truly all the way love someone, when do you get to the point where enough is enough, when you can't take anymore and you have to fold?"


Maybe I don't care if I die alone, as long as I can die happy.


2 believers| believe it

I wish I were an oscar mayer weiner ::shrug:: [26 Jun 2002|06:46am]
[ mood | dorky ]

Yesterday was a day for rocking at mr. bob's lake house with my family + missy. I felt like I was back in 7th grade sitting in the water with my mom wading closer with a cigarette in one hand to take pictures of me and missy. We talked and analyzed, laughed and remember, sang and wave, and got sunburned - maybe. I wish that kate had been there, so half the day we spent pretending she was there - I even splashed her with water and she splashed back. Oh kate. We made fun of bob on the boat without really meaning to, he let my mom drive the boat and she didn't really know how but it was fackin awesome. we raced and taunted 6 year old girls because... well, I guess there really wasn't a reason. No matter.
"I'm the most popular girl on the lake!"
We also made the ritual toast. the day wouldn't have been complete without it. I was really tired when I got home but I had told kyle previously I would hang out with him. It was a sobering experience to say the least. Sometimes I think I may never understand him, or that he already understands me too well.

You will discover a lot about yourself from the following question:
If you have to murder someone, for some reason it is manditory and there are no loopholes or any clever ways to weasle out of it... who do you murder? it cannot be yourself.

Part-time I steal surveys...

01. I hurt: people (un)intentionally
02. I love: too easily
03. I hate: being seasick
04. I cry: because I'm hurt
05. I fear: desperate lonliness
06. I hope: to be more than this
07. I sadden: at the drop of a hat
08. I feel alone: when you look at me like that, or don't look at all
09. I kill: misquitos.. on my face
10. I talk: about everything but what I want to say
11. I listen: freely
12. I break: everything. I'm a massive klutz
13. I see: what I want to see
14. I smell: coffee
15. I taste: coffee
16. I work: to make money
17. I remember: how it felt to hold your hand
18. I hold: memories. tightly.
19. I hide: parts of myself
20. I pray: for family and friends
21. I walk: to see things more clearly
22. I drive: I dont
23. I read: minds
24. I burn: like a candle on the water
25. I breathe: to live
26. I play: to stay young
27. I miss: so many people
28. I touch: stuuuuuuuff
29. I learn: about people
30. I feel: badly
31. I know: that I can be hard to get along with
32. I said: things I regret
33. I dream: about being in love
34. I have: what I need
35. I want: to understand
36. I fall: for people too quickly
37. I wait: because thats all I can do
38. I need: to focus
39. I live: to love...456
40. I die: each time you say it
41. I thank: anyone that has ever cared enough to ask me how I am.


5 believers| believe it

You could have been anyone at all - thank god that you're you. [25 Jun 2002|01:07am]
Wish List:

I want to be less fickle.
I want to be more confident.
I want to be kinder.
I want to be more cultured.
I want to be able to express myself better.

I got a phone call today from a boy I haven't talked to in what feels like ages. He is such a good egg, if I knew how to spell his last name I'd write it - but his first name is tim.

I have a feeling like the ground is shaking beneath my feet. I don't like it. I want to wrap my arms around the entire world just so I can hold everything steady. but I can't.
I would like to send the following out into the abyss:
I love you.
Sometimes you need to say it even if the only one that answers is your own echo.

4 believers| believe it

you've let me down for the last time [23 Jun 2002|01:58am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]


I have 2 spoons. One filled with peanut butter, the other filled with fluff and I'm eating the two of them seperately because I have no bread. i'm craving chips and dip and thinking about people that have wandered in and out of my life - and where they are and what they are doing/if they're happy. or happier without me in their life... or something to that effect.

love is like putting a bowl of cherries in front of someone's face and telling them to smell them - and then shoving their face into it. but i wouldn't know.
i find it amusing when people make blatent statements to faciliate comments on their journal. its not a bad thing, it just makes me smile.
its weird to think about where I was this time last year.
according to my journal I was at Eve's house for jay's birthday party. I don't even know who eve is, or what her last name is ... but I remember that night.
(one year ago tomorrow)
"hmm... i'm starting to remember last night more clearly with every bugbite i discover.. i know that sounds bizarre but i dont really care. greg and i came to some terms of peace, which is good. life is far too short. i remember coming home and wanting to write in my journal about how intoxicating the whole evening was, and how good nights really shouldnt end. its amazing how small things can really make your whole day so much better. things that other people probably dont even notice but just effect me really deeply. there was one point last night that i thought i was going to die choking on euphoria. if thats possible. i wish last night didnt end, its going to be a hard act to follow tonight. i couldnt stop smiling when i got home. ever lay half asleep at night and close your eyes and try to imagine that your still in the arms of someone you like? eh, maybe its just me. im so glad its summer. "

i guess things have changed a lot.


2 believers| believe it

slip it up [22 Jun 2002|10:56am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

period 1: pre calc
period 2: ap american history
period 3: english
mod 4&5: physics
mod 6: lunch
mod 7&8: spanish 4
period 6&7: health occ 1

whos with me?


4 believers| believe it

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